Thank you to Scars for publishing my story in Down in the Dirt!

Midnight Conversation Overheard at an IHOP

by Edward Cody Huddleston

    “Aren’t you allergic to this? And everything else under the sun?”
    “Yes, and also the sun. So?”
    “So, I’d feel bad sharing with you. Like a mother murdering her child.”
    “Like Gypsy Rose Blanchard?”
    “No, she killed her mother. Well, she had her boyfriend kill her mother.”
    “So like Casey Anthony?”
    “I thought she was found innocent.”
    “I thought the jury was found lacking. Just gimme one little bite.”
    “Hey! I’m not taking you to the ER.”
    “It’s not that kind of allergy. It’s stomach pain, not respiratory failure. Also, you wouldn’t take me to the ER, even if I was dying?”
    “Hospitals give me anxiety.”
    “Me dying wouldn’t give you anxiety?”
    “You just said you wouldn’t die!”
    “Yeah, but I said that after you said you wouldn’t take me.”
    “Chill. I’d call 911 and give you mouth-to-mouth.”
    “Oh yeah? I might have to fake an allergy attack then. Mouth-to-mouth is only for heart attacks, by the way. Do try it, though.”
    “I will.”
    “Speaking of trying things, if I get a cupcake milkshake, will you share it with me?”
    “You know you can’t eat that.”
    “Drink. You drink milkshakes.”
    “You should never drink milkshakes.”
    “I took my lactase pill. I’m good. Probably. Possibly. Partially.”
    “You really wanna do this? Make yourself sick just to get a sugar high?”
    “What’s life without a little risk?”
    “Okay, but let’s get vanilla. Cupcake tastes like a party clown’s ass.”
    “Like if the clown’s actual ass had makeup on it? Or is the clown eating and subsequently defecating its own makeup?”
    “I dunno. Maybe both. Hey, waiter?”

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